Just hope that i can make the best out of the remaining 4 days (including today) i have before hell breaks loose...Stress is building, just as pressure builds deep inside an active volcano..
The bug pesters me right into my sleep...i can wake up at 9 plus and sleep intermittenly till 11 plusin the morning, still feeling the drain in energy and momentum from the 'lack' of sleep...How can i let it all take over me? Oh...can anyone save me?
Let me just blog briefly before i get to my work...Look at my title...Why? Today, i went for my cousin's wedding...Held at Amara hotel, it was something to be very simple, no fuss, no Chinese traditional 'rites' for marriages...No ROM, just a private solemniser and their mothers acted as their witnesses...I thought it did not appear as serious nor as sacred as i had imagined it to be...My mum confirmed this with me...The marriage vows were exchanged scurriedly, which made me feel that sincerity was lasking in the atmosphere...The whole environment did manage to make me feel touched nevertheless....
My cousin, a woman whom i seldom talked to...Today, i saw her transform into a ravishing beauty, all smiles, and talked a lot...Partly due to her makeup, partly due to her having all smiles...Little wonder people say that a woman looks the best on her day of marriage...Even as someone who do not know her well, i feel happy for her that she has found her happiness...
As i listened to the marriage vows, it was as though the words hit me on my raw nerve...This is how a marriage vow goes: (Government of Sinagapore. 2004.
http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/CourtshipNMarriage/ExchangeYourVows/Resources/
WeddingPreparation/#vows) Registrar's Address
Before you are joined in matrimony, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage according to law is the union of one man and one woman, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others.Do I understand that you __________________ and you ________________ are here of your own free will for the purpose of becoming man and wife?
Couple answer together: Yes
To Bridegroom
Will you, __________________ take this woman ______________ to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?Answer: I will
To Bride
Will you, _________________ take this man _________________ to be your wedded husband, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as you both shall live?Answer: I will
How many people will remember the meaning behind these words as they grow deeper into their union...What happens to the sanctity of marriage? Rumour has it that couples will usually take each other for granted when they get married...this is when trouble boils, and coupled with adaptation problems, if such delicate situations cannot be well handled, the marriage may eventually hit the rocks...and end up in divorce...Sometimes, i see marriages, i see divorces...easy come easy go...it appears to me for some people...Some people has had it tougher, hanging on to their marriage for as long as they can...
Perhaps more people should take time to review their marriage vows and think through the whole meaning of marriage? This way, people will learn to appreciate each other more?
Having said that though, there are many who have survived the test of marriage and emerged yet stronger...Marriage takes time to nuture, blossom, just as a relationship does...No discounts...(Seems common sense, yet sometimes, people can forget even the simplest things...)
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In the end, it is the wish of every parent to see their child happily married and passing on the baton to the next generation...Whoever said that marriage involves only the union of the man and woman?
Having said all of that, i sincerely hope that things end well for everyone...an ideal assumption...As for me, i will certainly put effort into my marrigae to make it work...and count my blessings for each meaningful day that passes...(oh well, still a long long way to go...and no, i am not thinking of marriage anytime now...it was just a reflection on one of the many aspects of life...which i had comments for...)
I wonder why i can't sleep...No lah, actually, going to sleep le...Just that i wanted to read some blogs to see how people are doing...seems that there aren't many posts out there...Looks like people are really busy nowadays...
Read my sister's blog...the last entry was somewhere in June...Guess her passion for blogging died...Her blog was certainly depressing, to a certain extent...I didn't know that she was worried, troubled...makes me feel like i fail as a sister..I had always thought that she was playful, hot tempered...Then suddenly, a tinge of sadness followed a little happiness...
Why happiness for her? I feel that she has found her group of close people to interact with, which will inevitably make her a better person as a whole, in terms of personality, confidence etc. She is going to convert to a Christian..and has since accepted Christ. At first, i felt a little uneasy hearing her say that...she joined her church in group study not long ago...i wondered if she really knew what she wanted...and the queasiness could be in part attributed to the need for a shift in mindset from then on...afterall, she has been in a taoist/buddhist family for like erm...17 years? Guess i am just not used to the change...But like i say, i feel glad for her, truly, if she has found her way to becoming a happier person...(being happy is the most important to me, if i were to define the purpose of life on earth...)
These few days have been stress packed...Makes me feel like doing something to my hair...going for a full body massage and all sorta nonsense...but like no time hor...oh well, it is quite late in the night already...have better prepare to go to school later in the day...
Aigh...one of my weird moods again...just like an illness that acts up on me as and when it likes....
This entry is one that is authored while i was in NUS. The time now is 1.35 pm and i am doing nothing...For the past 35 minutes, 30 mins was spent looking at my organic chemistry notes. The next 5 minutes was spent trying to do my tutorials, or should i say, 'tutorials untainted by pencil marks'...Just had my organic chemistry test, which hasnt gone well...ok, not that it goes well for everyone who took the test lah...Nevermind about that...I was trying...still trying to cast my negative thoughts aside...and START DOING MY TUTS...Unfortunately, my mind refuses to comply, telling me that it is still in a turmoil, and hence 'unfit for work'...MC...huh???
The recent spate of events have reduced my emotional well being to shambles...Countless times, i have tried to get myself out of this derailing situation...guess it would have been much worse if not for the deer's support...and not forgetting, friends' consolation...i have talked to many, complain, whatever you call it...but i can't seem to be able to express fully how i really feel...Perhaps i have been thinking too much? Or could it be the stress? or maybe, i am a woman of few vocab...that's why cant express myself...
While writing, i saw John, who happened to be skipping the next lecture...He sat down, and we chatted...I sorta felt better as we talked...Probably this is cuz we both share the same pessimism? That gives me a 'we're in the same boat' feeling...Sadist? Probable...But the feeling that i am not alone helps me in not indulging too much in self pitiance...
As a matter of fact, things have not been going smoothly since i found out that most probably, i was going to get an egg for my ESS test last wednesday...What worried me was how i was going to fare in the next few rounds when the knowledge i thought was sufficient turned out to be something that did not help...Can i scrape past thie whole mess? Is this a mess? Or merely some illusion set upon by my unstable mind? Perhaps it is true that i am not alone in this having problems...but, what is irrefutable is that the way i respond to the external stimulus allows my problems to manifest and mutate my mind...
Some medicine for my sick mind?Perhaps what i truly need is some form of evidence that i am not at rock bottom afterall...I sought to prove this point, but all attempts were futile...could it be cuz i was alr a shattered heart?
So...nevermind that i was doing badly for my ESS i thought...i put mu utmost into something which i thought i had confidence in, and enjoyed (at least i tot so)...I told myself, that the hectic schedule which i was having owing to driving lessons was going to come to an end...I would be able to redeem myself for neglecting my work for the last 2 weeks after i passed my driving test...Hopes were shinning...Expectations were set...by me, my instructor...and friends gave me encouragement...that boosted my adrenaline...The setting seemed right, except that was meant to be the ending went berserk...Perhaps my director decided to give my life a twist...to determine if i was truly versatile and resilient...If so, this is a test that i have flopped...miserably...So what happened? I failed my driving test...with reasons i felt to be unacceptable...till now i am still in disbelief...People (some) don't understand was i was so bitterly upset...even my family doesn't...what more friends? What they don't know is the amount of empahsis i have placed on the 2 things in my life at that point of time...1-- studies; 2-- driving...which in either case i have failed utterly...failed in expectations, failed in performance...What a disgrace...Being obstinate and critical are 2 prominent points about me...Once i believe in something, it takes a really strong argument to convince me that the other way round, even if my belief was wrong...Perhaps...things are not as bad as it seems...but till now, i still have not found a conviction strong enough to steer me away from my senseless feelings...Perhaps it will take a test well done to convince me...Blame it on my result orientated nature...Or perhaps...i need a brainwash? Sometimes, i really hope that i am not me...Results cant be the only thing in living...I still have my family, my deer, my friends...However, poor results can get me nowhere too...I am not sure how i should proceed to convince myself...i don't want to dwell, but i can't help it...I am trying hard to achieve moderation...but it is so hard...or so is it?
Perhaps, it feels better to write down my thoughts...perhaps, i can leave this parcel behind me...perhaps, perhaps not...i certainly hope that i can...sigh...
Conclusion: I can't face so many failures at one go...i have to learn to accept defeats gracefully...and learn to let go...
2.30 pm...end
