ThE cOw AnD i

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Autoposy of the dead cow...by the dead cow...

Aigh...one of my weird moods again...just like an illness that acts up on me as and when it likes....

This entry is one that is authored while i was in NUS. The time now is 1.35 pm and i am doing nothing...For the past 35 minutes, 30 mins was spent looking at my organic chemistry notes. The next 5 minutes was spent trying to do my tutorials, or should i say, 'tutorials untainted by pencil marks'...Just had my organic chemistry test, which hasnt gone well...ok, not that it goes well for everyone who took the test lah...Nevermind about that...I was trying...still trying to cast my negative thoughts aside...and START DOING MY TUTS...Unfortunately, my mind refuses to comply, telling me that it is still in a turmoil, and hence 'unfit for work'...MC...huh???

The recent spate of events have reduced my emotional well being to shambles...Countless times, i have tried to get myself out of this derailing situation...guess it would have been much worse if not for the deer's support...and not forgetting, friends' consolation...i have talked to many, complain, whatever you call it...but i can't seem to be able to express fully how i really feel...Perhaps i have been thinking too much? Or could it be the stress? or maybe, i am a woman of few vocab...that's why cant express myself...

While writing, i saw John, who happened to be skipping the next lecture...He sat down, and we chatted...I sorta felt better as we talked...Probably this is cuz we both share the same pessimism? That gives me a 'we're in the same boat' feeling...Sadist? Probable...But the feeling that i am not alone helps me in not indulging too much in self pitiance...

As a matter of fact, things have not been going smoothly since i found out that most probably, i was going to get an egg for my ESS test last wednesday...What worried me was how i was going to fare in the next few rounds when the knowledge i thought was sufficient turned out to be something that did not help...Can i scrape past thie whole mess? Is this a mess? Or merely some illusion set upon by my unstable mind? Perhaps it is true that i am not alone in this having problems...but, what is irrefutable is that the way i respond to the external stimulus allows my problems to manifest and mutate my mind...

Some medicine for my sick mind?Perhaps what i truly need is some form of evidence that i am not at rock bottom afterall...I sought to prove this point, but all attempts were futile...could it be cuz i was alr a shattered heart?

So...nevermind that i was doing badly for my ESS i thought...i put mu utmost into something which i thought i had confidence in, and enjoyed (at least i tot so)...I told myself, that the hectic schedule which i was having owing to driving lessons was going to come to an end...I would be able to redeem myself for neglecting my work for the last 2 weeks after i passed my driving test...Hopes were shinning...Expectations were set...by me, my instructor...and friends gave me encouragement...that boosted my adrenaline...The setting seemed right, except that was meant to be the ending went berserk...Perhaps my director decided to give my life a twist...to determine if i was truly versatile and resilient...If so, this is a test that i have flopped...miserably...So what happened? I failed my driving test...with reasons i felt to be unacceptable...till now i am still in disbelief...People (some) don't understand was i was so bitterly upset...even my family doesn't...what more friends? What they don't know is the amount of empahsis i have placed on the 2 things in my life at that point of time...1-- studies; 2-- driving...which in either case i have failed utterly...failed in expectations, failed in performance...What a disgrace...Being obstinate and critical are 2 prominent points about me...Once i believe in something, it takes a really strong argument to convince me that the other way round, even if my belief was wrong...Perhaps...things are not as bad as it seems...but till now, i still have not found a conviction strong enough to steer me away from my senseless feelings...Perhaps it will take a test well done to convince me...Blame it on my result orientated nature...Or perhaps...i need a brainwash? Sometimes, i really hope that i am not me...Results cant be the only thing in living...I still have my family, my deer, my friends...However, poor results can get me nowhere too...I am not sure how i should proceed to convince myself...i don't want to dwell, but i can't help it...I am trying hard to achieve moderation...but it is so hard...or so is it?

Perhaps, it feels better to write down my thoughts...perhaps, i can leave this parcel behind me...perhaps, perhaps not...i certainly hope that i can...sigh...

Conclusion: I can't face so many failures at one go...i have to learn to accept defeats gracefully...and learn to let go...

2.30 pm...end

by xiaojia at 7:43 PM |