ThE cOw AnD i

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Who was in control? My subconscious mind? Or a poly by my conscious self?

Many a times, i have heard people say you dream of what you think...subconsciuosly...Which makes me wonder, what exactly takes over when you are asleep...Are dreams set upon by the many active brain neurons contributed by the "awake" part of my brain? Or simply some general brain cells which happened to be active.

Whatever the reason is, the time now is 4.09 p.m.. I have slept for a good hour and a half at least...Had a phone call not have jolted my out of my sleep, who knows how much longer this struggle is going to last...It does spooks me, when i think about it once again...It is like this, my exams are just round the corner, like in 2 weeks' time...I was doing my tutorial, when i decided to take a little nap...well, in order that i wouldn't get too comfortable on my bed, i lied down on my sofa instead. The first time i slept, it seemed as long i have been trapped in a pit, finding it hard to get myself out of it...I jolly well know that i can't sleep for long, yet, the stimulus that expresses this feeling was through my dreams...I dreamt that i wanted to get up, i just couldn't get up...Then it as though i suddenly gain some strength to push me out of my disturbing dream after half an hour...But somehow, i was still very tired...So this time, i decided to sleep 15 more mins...this time i set my alarm to 3.00pm. (Wrong!!! My clock system is 24 hrs! So it should have been 1500...no wonder, i did not hear any alarming sounds!!!)

Goodness was to know that i would be heading for more trouble...this time, i got sucked into a black hole...Sleeping or half sleeping i wondered...I recall myself being semi asleep to listen when i am supposed to wake up...but ever since when i forgot, i plunged myself into a series of looping dreams...Each time, i would dream of myself sleeping on a sofa, desperately trying to get up, but my muscles refused to cooperate. My physical self was still a lifeless form, deep into sleep, whereas my mental self would be trying to move my hands to call for help...help to wake 'me' up...I vividly remembering myself having successfully kicked my table a little, pushing down the magazines and using my voice a little to call out "mama, help..." for a few times, then my mum would come and lift me into a sitting position to ask me what was wrong...After i had awaken, i still felt very tired...and i would go back into my sleep...once again, this scenario would take place...I remember this feeling as something that is very scary...it seems like a you want, yet you can't kind of a hopeless situation...This dream kept continuing, and repeating itself, till my mum told me "i think you had better sleep instead.." No!!! I still fought hard against myself to wake up...but all efforts were in vain...The turmoil continued for 1 hr, till i was jolted out by a phone call from my mum, who was actually out with her friends...

I finally woke up...It really made me wonder, who controlled my sleep? My dreams?? My subconscious mind? Did it want me to wake up or sleep? If it was my consicous self which stopped myself from waking up, surely the conscious side of me would know that i cant sleep my day away?

Having said that, i recall myself having close brushes with death during my sleep...I had buried my face under the pillow when i slept...and halfway through, i felt as though i was suffocating...this time, my consious mental mind tried to take over my body, by telling my hands to move the pillow away...But my body refused to comply...Asking for help through shouting was no use, as i couldn't activate my voice either...As though miracle happens, at the nick of time, i would always be able to suddenly have enough strength to move my hands to save myself from dying...But as i would remember, it is all the same, as what i felt today, a painful process...

by xiaojia at 5:30 PM |